Diablo 4 is out now, and we can see that this game is going to consume us completely.
We've already gone hands-on with the game and given it 5 stars, and are now enjoying starting all over again, playing different builds and making new discoveries in the endgame. Unfortunately, this means there's not going to be much time for anything else.
Showering? Eating? Romance? No, we just want Diablo 4 and more of it. But don't worry, being a responsible adult means we must not resort to our basic instincts, and we've got some sweet tips to make sure that you don't come out of the first Battle Pass single and alone. Inspired by a well-meaning Reddit thread, here are our own tips to save your relationship
Spend the next few days giving them nothing BUT attention
Make your partner so sick of your constant attention that they will be relieved by your instant drop in interest when you start playing the game.
From now, follow them around the house, making kissy-kissy sounds. Interrupt them in the bathroom to ask for hugs. If they are at work, send a selfie of you looking sad and forlorn at hour intervals. Offer to feed them their meals. Wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them you miss them. You get the idea.
If you have early access because you preordered Diablo 4, well time is already running out, you're going to have to up your game. Try to make every moment with them as intense and clingy as possible. Sing them love songs, write them poems, buy them flowers and chocolates. Tell them you can’t live without them... until your download has finished.
Adjust your sleep schedule
You love your partner, but you also love Diablo 4. How can you make time for both without sacrificing one or the other? The answer is simple: sleep less. Start training now. Experts recommend at least 7-9 hours of sleep a night, but what do they know? That's time you could be finding all of the Altars of Lilith.
Just reduce your sleep by half and wake up early every day. That will give you some bonus hours of playing Diablo 4 before your significant other gets up and wants your attention. Sleep is overrated when you have a new video game to play and treasure goblins to chase.
Pre-prepare meals
If you want to avoid the wrath of your family when you’re too busy playing Diablo 4 to cook dinner, you need to plan ahead.
Buy a chest freezer and stock it with frozen meals that you can prepare in advance. Then, when it’s your turn to feed your hungry horde, you can just nuke a meal in the microwave and get back to your loot hunt. Or, if you’re feeling adventurous, you can order some buckets of emergency food from Amazon. They have all kinds of delicious flavors, like macaroni cheese, fettuccine alfredo, and even beef stroganoff.
Just add water and voila! A gourmet dinner that will impress your partner with your creativity and make them swoon. Who needs cooking skills when you have Diablo 4?
Use artificial intelligence to respond to texts
You’re immersed in a Nightmare Dungeon, slaying monsters and upgrading your paragon glyphs. You can’t afford to waste time on your partner’s text messages about silly things like laundry, hygiene, or feelings.
How can you make them feel loved without sacrificing your mission? The solution is Microsoft SwiftKey. Taking inspiration from South Park's Chat GPT episode, download Swiftkey Beta to have a handy Bing Chat button on your mobile keyboard. This will respond to messages on your behalf, and you can even adjust it to be more affectionate and charming to make your partner feel valued and appreciated.
Immortalize their visage
We know you've already played the two beta weekends, and no doubt, if you are a devotee, you entered the sweepstake for a chance at having your player portrait depicted on The Chapelle des Jesuites Cathedral. Take this competition as inspiration, and show your devotion to your life partner by breaking into a beautiful building of significant historical importance and painting their face on the ceiling. If there is nothing quite as grand as a cathedral nearby, the local KFC will do. They've already pledged their allegiance to our Blessed Mother.
Play co-op
In all seriousness, slaughtering the spawn of the Black Abyss is best enjoyed with friends and family. If you have a partner who also plays games, you'll likely be enjoying Diablo 4 together.
You can play with up to four players in a party or couch co-op for two players on a console, so there's no need to end the Eternal Conflict alone. Just remember, the Fields of Hatred are not for snuggling.
